YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize