she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
