someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
