shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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