$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
should my penis look like a turkey
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
