Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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