Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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