Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
