I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
