I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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