Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
