it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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