There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So much rum. So many feels.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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