If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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