Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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