i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
