We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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