did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
