The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
