Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize