i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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