Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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