remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
