Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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