your thong is hanging out like whoa
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
