I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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