I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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