Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
