I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
