Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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