and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
