I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
