HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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