clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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