I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
