I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
