My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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