it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
there was a trapeze. enough said
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
