She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize