i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
