Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
