On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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