wat bout pragnant strippers??
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize