i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
