We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
