I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
