Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
