nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
