She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
