: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
