Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
