I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
