just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize