remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
