We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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