I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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