when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
