My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize