I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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