i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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