i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize