I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize