I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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