Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
