I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
