You're so nebulous sometimes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize