My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
