you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize