It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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