The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Holy sore nipples Batman
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
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